SM, California – After Ellen Page admitted to her homosexuality earlier this week, Naughty Dog have made their secondary character in the game, Ellie, develop an affinity for her partner Riley, to accommodate with Ellen Page’s new lifestyle choice. “It seems like a rash decision, especially since it was never even a relevant part of her character previous to the DLC,” said Jeremy Yuckin, CEO of Naughty Dog Inc., “But we want to appear more progressive and accepting of the LGBT community. Uncharted was all about the masculinity of an Indiana Jones inspired adventurer, and Last of Us is about the emasculation.” However, some of the game audience are more vocal about this new interpretation. We went inside the house of 22-year-old Ellen Page aficionado Villmer Slaughter to ask how he felt about the change.
“I can’t believe this,” said Villmer Slaughter, his room decorated in posters of Juno and Hard Candy, and even a mural of Ellen on his wall. “It’s just…fuck man…when she raped Rainn Wilson in Super and got pregnant in Juno, I thought that sealed the deal for me. I thought I would have her hand in marriage, and I just…I’ve always wanted to bang her, okay? I’m a virgin, and I could just hire a prostitute or go out with a marginally less attractive girl, but you don’t understand, no one understands. I’ve loved Ellen Page ever since I first saw her on the silver screen. Her cute smile, her quirky snips, her hair, her personality…everything about her is perfection. She was molded as a Greek goddess. But now she’s just like every other girl I’ve known…a monster.” Quickly after this tangent, Villmer pulled a gun out. He was quickly restrained by our bodyguard Cliff, with a PhD in asskicking. He was then admitted to the psych ward.
“Sorry for that freakout guys, it’s just my life is in the shitter now.” said Villmer, in anger. “Ellen Page was my life. I thought after she came out I could just move on to Ellie. But she was gay too. I heard they are adding a cunnilingus scene with Jodie and a homeless woman in Beyond Two Souls. Fuck.”
We left Villmer where he will be residing for two weeks. On the other hand, and an interesting fun fact, is that David Cage was going to send a box of chocolates to Ellen Page on V-Day, but now she’s gay, so he threw it away.
– Shane Quay