Game Boy’s 25th Birthday: 25 Reasons I’m Disappointed

"Now those are some buttons I'd like to press." That's something a chauvinist pig would say, and totally not me.

“Now those are some buttons I’d like to press.” That’s something a chauvinist pig would say, and totally not me.

MADISON, WI – Yesterday marked a very important day in video game history: 25 years ago, Nintendo released the
Game Boy, a handheld console that singlehandedly revolutionized the handheld video game industry. Or, that’s what they want you to believe. I’ll be honest, I never owned a Game Boy. I never grew up with one. So to see what all the fuss was about, this past weekend, I went out and bought one, along with a couple of games. What a huuuuuuuuuuuge mistake. Within the first couple of minutes, I was bored to tears.

So I got to wondering: why was the Game Boy so popular? The Atari Lynx and the Sega Game Gear were far superior. Granted, I never played those either, but at LEAST they had color! And if the games were in color, by proxy, the gameplay had to be better as well. As for the Game Boy, I could not see why people in the late 80s and 90s would have chosen this piece of crap over the other two. So to celebrate the Game Boy’s 25th Birthday, I’m going to list 25 reasons you should stay away!

1.) No color! The NES had color, and I’m pretty sure this uses the same processor, so why not, Nintendo? People had to wait 10 years for that? Laaaaaame!
2.) Terrible graphics. The Sega Genesis came out in 1989, and so did the TurboGrafx, so there’s no excuse for these not having 16-bit graphics.
3.) No online play. The internet wasn’t popular yet, but if Nintendo was so “revolutionary,” why didn’t they think of this?
4.) The battery life sucks.
5.) NO RECHARGEABLE BATTERY! I don’t care if rechargeable battery technology hadn’t been perfected yet, if it had a big bulge on the back of my Game Boy, I wouldn’t care.
6.) It’s too damn big, I can’t fit it in my pocket!
7.) It’s too heavy, I can’t play this for long periods of time without having to give my arms a rest.
8.) It’s so heavy, I can’t play one-handed. This makes jacking sessions during Metroid II impossible.
9.) Mono sound. I know there’s a headphone jack for stereo, but maybe I want to listen to this wonderful chiptune music without them!
10.) 8-bit? Really, trying to pander to the retro crowd yet again, huh, Nintendo? So much for pushing the envelope forward.
11.) Too many gaps that collect dirt. This is my Game Boy. Look at it! You can’t even eat Nacho Cheese Doritos™ without getting cheese dust all up in it.tumblr_n4gptlHZhc1qzhcvko1_50012.) The games are cartridges! CDs were available in 1989, and would have improved sound and graphics dramatically. I don’t care if that would have made the Game Boy bulkier.
13.) It’s too bulky. This was clearly made for someone with gigantic hands.
14.) Terrible LCD screen. Seriously, you can’t play a game without sitting on the surface of the sun.
15.) No first person shooters? Really? Come on, at LEAST get Wolfenstein on there.
16.) Matte finish? Who designed this thing, someone with glaucoma?
17.) The D-Pad digs into my thumb and it hurts.
18.) Where’s Nintendo’s best franchise, Super Smash Bros? That game came out in 1999, and the Game Boy was still around; no excuses for a lack of a port, Nintendo!
19.) Why isn’t it backwards compatible with the NES? I know it uses pretty much the same processor, you could have made an adapter.
20.) My (now-ex) girlfriend hit me in the head with it during an argument, and I now have a concussion.
21.) uhasfddfzsddsdz
22.) The Game Boy made Pokemon popular, which made Pikachu popular. I hate Pikachu.
23.) Where do you plug in the second controller for multiplayer?
24.) How are you supposed to do multiplayer on such a small screen?
25.) As I’ll prove in a later video, Nintendo are fascists. Millions of people supported a fascist company.

In conclusion, the Game Boy never deserved any of the praise it got. I want the $5 I spent on it and the games from my local Goodwill back. If you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go play a GOOD handheld console: the PS Vita.

2 comments on “Game Boy’s 25th Birthday: 25 Reasons I’m Disappointed
  1. 3) What were you expecting, plug a link
    cable into your computer and have a reasonable game on your console online with
    a Game Boy? 4) For back then it didn’t. 5) You can always have separate rechargeable
    batteries (yeah, those exist). 6) Sorry, but this isn’t your sci-fi version of
    that time period, things were bigger bag then, they had to be made smaller
    later, just think about the improvements they’d made then and now. 8) At first
    this is the same reason as 7, and, ‘jacking sessions during Metroid II’? 10) At
    that time, what we now call retro was modern, so this argument is invalid. 12)
    They tried to innovate, look at how much better the cartridges now are in
    comparison to putting a CD into your DS, not having to do that is all because
    of starting using cartridges on the Game Boy. 18) The game Smash Bros. intended
    to only be for the bigger consoles, it was until the 3DS that they decided to
    bring it to the smaller, handheld ones. Also, Smash Bros. being their best
    franchise is your opinion. 20) So? Because
    you suck at relationships I should stay away from the Game Boy? 21)
    FUNURMOMFGGT 22) Because you hate Pikachu, I should stay away from the Game
    Boy? No! That’s a reason for you to stay away from the Game Boy. 23) Link Cable.
    24) Yet again, Link Cable, and you’d use the screen of another Game Boy, this
    way you can’t peek at each other’s moves in a multiplayer game. 25) This is
    your opinion and no reason for me to not play on a Game Boy, even if the
    opinion is right, the company of a product sucking, doesn’t mean the product
    sucks. Also, even if they would be fascists they have never done anything illegal
    and it doesn’t bother anyone, so there would be no problem if they would be fascists.
    Conclusion) Give me some other, good
    reasons why the Game Boy didn’t deserve its praise. Stop trying to get your
    money back because you don’t like an item for some random unrelated opinions
    that you had before buying and that actually haven’t any negative effects on
    the product and its experience. Photo of
    woman) She herself is trying to be sexually attractive so there is nothing
    wrong with being sexually attracted to her, if you are too young to understand
    this, you shouldn’t even bother thinking
    and posting about it, leave alone judging others.

    • Hello Nick!
      I’m sorry you didn’t enjoy my article, but I respect your right to have a fallacious opinion!

      Have a wonderful day,
      -Dr. Rip Bang, PhD

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