“Out with the old, in with the new,” is one of the foundational mantras Video Entertainment Analysis Group bases our business on, and for good reason. If you get stuck in the past, you’re going to end up like Jack Black. You MUST keep reinventing yourself and stay with the latest trends. Granted, this is America, and Americans value tradition, but it’s 2015; I think it’s time we change some of those traditions because they are old. Which traditions should we change? Stupid question, dumbass. Holiday traditions. That’s what we should change. They’re annoying. They’re racist. They’re the oldest and most shoved down our throats. Time to shit them out.
Okay, so who is going to be the new Santa Claus? Who is going to be the new Rudolph? Jack Frost? Tiny Tim? Gotcha covered. “In with the new.” 2015’s Game of the Year Undertale needs to become the new cast for our winter festivities. Instead of running downstairs to a shitty tree that gets pine needles all over the floor, kids should be running to a $2,000 life-size Papyrus skeleton with presents laid underneath. Instead of a Christmas ham, serve up some nice Christmas iced spaghetti! Not only will your kids love the cold noodles, but also the fact that it is spaghetti will make them laugh. The holidays are all about seeing the smiles on the faces of children, right?
Undertale is a series about equality and acceptance, that’s why we feel the game should beat out all the boring white characters who plague our television screens and advertisements. Picture the stars in your beautiful mixed daughter’s eyes when she sees Daddy get dressed up in a Frisk costume with a big sack full of almost exclusively electronic gifts for the family.
“Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Sansmas!” Daddy exclaims, and hands out $10 Steam cards to everyone in the room. “You know the rules, only download Undertale with that money!”
“But Daddy, we all have Undertale on all devices!” Little Frisk Jr. says, sadness in his voice.
“Gift it to your friends, then. I won’t allow any other video games in this house, not while you’re living here. Under my roof? Undertale. This is an Undertale family.”
Daddy takes off his Chara mask and sighs, the vibe of the room shifting from one of joy to one of the solemn tolerance that comes with living with a controlling father during the holidays.
“This is an Undertale family.”
Beautiful. Sure, dysfunctional families will still be dysfunctional, but at least they’ll have more progressive decorations and themed parties while the parents quietly decide to postpone the divorce to mid-January, while step-parents try to find out which Undertale character is their step-child’s favorite so they can try and relate to them as soon as possible to reduce the mourning period of losing an original family setting.
The holiday season is also a time for romance; people try to find someone to get coffee with so they don’t feel the isolation of adulthood while the world is cold and unforgiving and at the same time cozy and comfortable if you’re not a social outcast who likes anime. Undertale characters represent the depressed and autistic: arguably the worst possible people to be during the time of year where everyone around you is spending time with lovers, family, and close friends. Maybe instead of hearing another song about merriment, “Santa Babies” and trees while shopping for frozen dinners for one, it would be more uplifting for the lonely to hear a song over the ambient Wal-Mart speakers about Papyrus taking Frisk on a date to his house. That Undertale scene lets us know that even retards can at least make friends by bringing them to their houses, which is a message that we believe everyone needs to hear.
We could go on, but it’s clear that we’re right and anyone who disagrees is a holiday version of a genwunner. Jack Frost needs to be jacked off. It’s over. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer needs to be shot down by Ted Nugent. VEAG has set up a Kickstarter for a stop-motion animation of “Toriel, the Red-Nosed Former Leader of the Shadow World,” which still needs about four-million dollars to get made. Toby Fox is a millionaire because of you guys, let’s make him a part of history.
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