Florida Man Actually Considers Buying Post-Kojima Metal Gear Solid Game

“Yeah, you know, I think I might check it out.”

It’s a cold January evening in Tarpon Springs, Florida. Snowflakes twirl like airborne ballerinas after they take their leap of faith from the clouds, landing gently on a silent street in front of the local GameStop. It doesn’t normally snow in Florida. Not unless someone fucks up.

He appears to be your everyday gamer. Charmingly unkempt hair, a few days worth of patchy stubble, glasses that have seen some shit, boxers that have also seen some shit. Beneath the surface, though, Carlos Bergstein hides a secret much greater than his interracial parents. Bergstein is willing to give Konami’s next Metal Gear game a chance despite not having series creator Hideo Kojima or his team involved in it’s development. Naturally, Video Entertainment Analysis Group cornered this man in a dark alley to talk about his rash decision-making.

PICTURED: Carlos Bergstein. Served 13 months for "masturbating on a Rosalina Amiibo" at a McDonald's.

PICTURED: Carlos Bergstein. Served 13 months for “masturbating on a Rosalina Amiibo” at a Tarpon Springs Taco Bell.

“I’m just a fan of the series, guys. I don’t think Konami is going to really change it too much, and I like stealth gameplay in general. They just made the FOX Engine too; I want to see more of it! Kind of a waste to only experience one game on it, right? Sure, I’ll miss Kojima Productions being involved, but I love the Metal Gear universe too much to give it up entirely. And, well, maybe people are being too harsh on Konami. It seemed that Kojima wanted to bankrupt the company with how much content he was trying to squeeze into Phantom Pain, not to mention the random inclusion of a Hollywood actor that probably wasn’t cheap; they had to keep their heads above water. Can anyone really blame them for that? Hey! What the fuck are you- Stop! No! NO!! Put the gun away, please! This is too far, man! They’re just video ga-“

Yeah. Bergstein fucked up.

As true gamers and fans of Kojima, you must despise Konami. If you have any other opinion, you should be shot on sight. If you even think about purchasing the “New Metal Gear,” you should be shot on sight. This is a zero-tolerance policy penned by the industry’s greatest minds. Konami put Hideo’s career at risk by firing him and not allowing him to show up at an awards show thing. There was no possible way he was going to find any other publisher to work with. The man was barely able to eat after #KonamiGate. VEAG is eternally grateful to Sony for reaching out to the literal starving artist and giving him another lease on life. If you ever encounter a Sony employee, drop to your knees and orally stimulate them. They gave a gaming god a new home, so it’s the least you could do.

Don’t be like Carlos Bergstein. Don’t be dead in a dark alley.

Intellectual Always,



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