MIAMI, FL – If you haven’t picked a side on the Rings of Power culture war yet, I think you should read this article and agree with everything I say from now on. You know incels, right? People – well, scratch that, men who can’t get laid are known as involuntarily celibate, or “incels” for short. If a woman can’t get laid, that’s just because none of the 3.5 billion men on the planet are worth her time. Um, what were we talking about again? Oh yeah, my fake story to sell streaming purchases for one of the world’s largest corporations.
Turns out one of the biggest people we don’t like inspired the main antagonist for the biggest show on the planet right now. Because ideology is almost exclusively viewed through a pop culture lens in America now, we almost jizzed in our pants when we found out. This is big. It’s like finding out Donald Trump was the inspiration behind Darth Vader or Voldemort or something. Speaking of, fuck J.K. Rowling. I will still buy every Harry Potter-related item in existence and base a good percentage of my personality off of her creative output, but yeah, fuck her. Anyways.
We here at Video Entertainment Analysis Group love fantasy settings, because Game of Thrones and Renaissance Faires and stuff are cool. So, when we heard that our favorite company Amazon purchased some random book from Jay Are Are Tolkien and were going to use it to make content (we also love content), we had to score an interview with daddy Jeff Bezos and ask him about his favorite character. VEAG correspondent Cliff Lerma met the billionaire at McDonald’s for a quick chat.
“My favorite character in Rings of Power? That’s easy: Sauron. He’s white, inherently evil, and powerful, just like me. I am Jeff Bezos. When my Amazonian cronies came to me with this Lord of the Rings thing to compete with Game of Thrones, I was like, ‘uh, I’ll only sign off on this if Sauron has like, major Jordan Peterson vibes.’ I’m honestly just trying to take some heat off me online, so if you could make that the headline of this article, that’d be awesome. I’ll give you a billion dollars if you do…Fuck, this Big Mac is great. Did you know my first job was at McDonald’s? I’m very rich now. I just want you to acknowledge that I used to not be rich, but now I’m very, very rich.”
Amazon’s Rings of Power has a couple episodes out now available for streaming. It took a billion dollars to make. A lot of people are going to watch it. You should watch it. Incels are bad. Watching Amazon’s The Lord of the Rings: Rings of Power is good. Watch The Lord of the Rings: Rings of Power on Amazon Prime Video. Jordan Peterson is bad. Tolkien is probably racist. Olivia Wilde is really smart. Thanks for reading!
Intellectual Always,
VEAG.
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