Overwatch 2 Requires Phone Number So Bobby Kotick Can Call You at Night

After 2021’s sexual harassment allegations led to months of public anger towards Activision Blizzard and after years of anger for anti-consumer business practices in general, it’s finally time to forget about all of that dumb stuff and consume their latest AAA project: Overwatch 2. In case you’ve been living in a household that enjoys quality entertainment, Overwatch 2 is the sequel to the beloved first-person shooter based on colorful 3D characters generally seen on adult video sites. While the game has already been out for about a day now, many players will ironically not have access despite it being free-to-play. Want to know why? I will begin to explain in the next paragraph. Please read the next paragraph to find out why.

The first obstacle to playing this video game is, for some reason, connecting an active phone number to your Battle.net account. Perhaps I’m only speaking for myself, but never in my life have I needed to allow a megacorp to keep my personal phone number on record to play a video game. I’m assuming there’s a great reason for this, so we reached out to those really cool, masculine frat boys over at Blizzard for comment.

Pictured: Jeff Kaplan, former Overwatch developer. Alpha male.

“Listen, man, I jumped off this sinking ship long before it left the dock. I don’t know why you’re interviewing me, but I’ll say this: You wanna know why you need to attach a phone number to your Battle.net account to play the new Overwatch? It’s because Big Bad Bobby at the top is a lonely man. He wants friends and he wants to feel forgiven. He thinks giving the world another Overwatch game is going to wash away his sins. Activision is going to keep your number on file so Bobby Kotick can give you a ring when he’s feeling a little down. If you don’t console him, your ass is grass. Say goodbye to Overwatch 2, Call of Duty, or any Activison Blizzard game for the next fifty years. Now, where’s that good-good you promised me? I need a hit.”
This man is giving you a buzz.

It’s understandable, honestly. Everyone deserves a second chance, even if it means you have to force people to give it to you before they can gain access to something unrelated. We look forward to your call, Bob.

Intellectual Always,



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