In another display of humanity’s advanced ability to prioritize, our new Controversy of the Week is over the color a seasonal coffee cup released by Starbucks. Christians believe the company has ripped off the head of Jesus and made brown down his neck by not including the phrase “Merry Christmas” on their holiday-themed coffee cups that are used by customers for maybe five minutes before being thrown away for the blue-collar peasants to sift through in trash heaps, as they should.
I know when I drink a cup of coffee, I prefer to also be made aware of what month it is and what holidays are coming up, so personally I can relate to the #BoycottStarbucks movement. From a business standpoint, though, all this bad press can’t be good for the most popular coffee company in the world. That’s why we offered some good press, and interviewed Starbucks Coffee CEO Howard Schultz to see what he had to say about the situation. His plan: replace holiday-themed coffee cups with typical plain white cups that have Fallout 4 spoilers on them.
“It’s unfortunate that this was the response we had to red cups,” Schultz began. “I mean, everybody loves that Red Solo Cup song, right? What’s wrong with a Red Coffee Cup?”
“We wanted to go with a minimalist design so people can tell their own stories at our shops, or some bullshit like that. We never meant to specifically offend Christians by not mentioning Christmas on our cups. That being said, we do want to specifically offend Fallout 4 fans by spoiling the ending of the game for them. If you’re the kind of person to buy a Bethesda game at launch AND buy a cup of our coffee at full price, you kind of deserve to have Fallout spoiled.”
Suddenly, as if on cue, Howard Schultz then pulled down his pants, took a diarrhea dump on our desk, then jumped out the window into a waiting helicopter, laughing hysterically as he flew away into the distance.
Todd Howard was unavailable for comment; his representative told us that he was “getting mad Fallout 4 gamer pussy” and wouldn’t be back until morning light.
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