Ray Bradbury, or as I like to call him, Rad Brad, once said: “You don’t have to burn books to destroy a culture. Just get people to stop reading them.”
I feel like the same could be said about video games. You don’t have to burn games to destroy the culture surrounding it, just litter it with moneyfame-hungry content creators without an ounce of genuine character, claim everyone within it is a misogynistic psychopath, and somehow associate it to the most hated extremist terrorist group at large today.
So gaming is dead, now what? Where do we go from here?
We do what we always do, VEAGans. We do nothing. Just keep playing those video games and enjoy the simple pleasures of Western life, because the world is our oyster and we are allergic to seafood. Conflict and change require effort beyond typing on the laptop we received as a gift for starting college but then dropped out soon after, and that’s just not worth investing in.
Life can still be interesting, though. Very interesting. Surely, you’ve seen the articles spreading around by now that ISIS is definitely yes uh huh definitely totally using Playstation 4’s to plan their terrorist bomb boom boom attacks. Let’s ask the question that’s on everyone’s mind; the one that matters.
What games was ISIS playing, tho?
We sent VEAG foreign correspondent Cliff Lerma overseas to ISIS headquarters to conduct an interview with their leader, B’rahk Ahbahmah, to see exactly what the villains for the next Call of Duty game are playing when they’re not causing worldwide calamity.
“Well, we’re just regular guys, honestly. We love regular games. Some of the boys are playing that new Tomb Raider. Fallout 4, duh. We got an early copy of Dead or Alive Xtreme 3 because we threatened to destroy Team Ninja’s offices, so that’s been a…a blast…heh…of course. Always love some cute girls. It’s technically not against our religion because they aren’t real girls, so the butt bouncing is super allowed. Why that game? A lot of our guys aren’t going to be able to get the 40 virgins when they die ’cause they weren’t a suicide bomber, so they should be able to enjoy feminine charms while they can. ISIS takes care of their guys. You know how it is.”
Cliff was held in captivity for a couple days after his interview, but that’s par for the course when it comes to talking with radicals. He’s fine, we promise. They injected him with some stuff, apparently, but he’s fine. They even added him on Playstation Network!
Rise of the Tomb Raider, Fallout, even the new DOA-X. Not the worst taste I’ve ever seen. Was hoping they’d be into Dark Souls or Skyrim, but that’s okay. They can’t all be a part of the elite gamer society that we are here at Video Entertainment Analysis Group. We should fucking kill them.
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