“I think he was so horny that he died.“
Seattle, WA – A coffee salesman and internet commentator known as “The Quartering” was found no longer breathing in his Wisconsin home over the weekend. Sources claim the content creator was discovered on Saturday night after neighbors complained to local police about hearing loud music coming from his residence. VEAG correspondent Greg “Hairspray Can” Morris was able to contact the neighbor who tipped off the authorities for a quick interview about the unfortunate event. The neighbor has asked to remain anonymous, but her name was Forte Knight. Knight had the following to say:
“Yeah, I was about to smoke a fat bowl when I kept hearing ‘body yoddy yoddy’ coming from (The Quartering)’s house. I love Megan Thee Stallion, that’s why it interrupted me, ’cause I was like, ‘hold up, that song goes hard, no way this dude is for real bumpin’ that Stallion,’ and I like, went over to (The Quartering)’s house, you know, ’cause I was gonna like, invite him to take a huge rip off this fat fucking bowl and vibe to some Meggy, but when I looked through his window he was watching that She-Hulk show, and they was shaking they ass on the screen, and (The Quartering) was butt naked and had his hand on his dick. The ass shaking kept playing on repeat, over and over. I guess he was just dead like that. I think he was so horny that he died.”
According to Wisconsin’s finest medical professionals (I call them heroes), it’s too early to say if The Quartering has gone to Hell due to over-arousal. The death of a man aside, I think it’s more important to point out that She-Hulk’s twerking scene was being misused. Though the discourse would have you believe differently, She-Hulk and Megan Thee Stallion’s sisterly moment of pussy popping wasn’t intended to be fap fodder supplied by the male gaze, or a feminist feast of direct-to-streaming empowerment.
The twerking was meant to accurately represent what lawyers do every day. Lawyers are the backbone of western society, and yes, they all shake what their birthing person gave them. My uncle was a lawyer, and he’d shake his ass every night, right after Jeopardy. There’s a long history of lawyers twerking, but I’m not going to do that emotional and mental labor for you by explaining any of it. Go find a journalist if you want to know so bad.
I’m not sure why my uncle was at my house every night.
Intellectual Always,
VEAG.
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